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Blog #7

Original Paragraphs:

Southan’s text states that artwork “demands resources that, in good hands, could have saved lives.” This is basically saying that when people spend money on art supplies that they are taking away money from those in need. In the project created by Haas and Haan, money was raised in order to help those directly by the use of art. Although they were spending money, they were still putting it towards bettering the lives of others. Haahn stated that “more than 1,500 people put together and donated over 100,000 dollars.” This money was very important to them because they were able to gain the ability to create their project “from the ground on up.”

With the donated and earned money, Haas and Hahn were able to hire and teach people in the communities a new skill that gave them a positive outlet and an income. By hiring many people in these towns, they not only were able to help the whole community with their project but also give some the ability to earn money to help kick start a better life. This also gave some a sense of purpose as “together they transformed their own neighborhood.” Each place Haas and Haan had painted, they hired new people. This not only gave people an income, but also helped people see themselves as artists and no longer view their city as negative.

Revised Paragraphs:

Putting money toward artwork is controversial in the eyes of the EAs because they believe that it is taking away from those in need. In the project created by Haas and Haan, money was spent toward creating artwork that would benefit those in need. I believe that although Haas and Haan were spending money, it was going towards bettering the lives of others and therefore, justified. Haas and Haan were able to raise over 100,000 dollars in order to be able to create more artwork but they also were able to teach people a skill that can get them a job and give a higher income to the residents who helped.

By training and hiring people at each city they had painted, Haas and Haan gave the city a better look. These towns used to be in the news and in the papers because of the crimes that occurred in them and now they were in the papers for their beautiful look. Outside people started to see the locals as painters instead of criminals. This also helped the people that lived in the town to see themselves as useful and worth it. In my opinion, this can give many people hope that they can become successful and use something they love to provide for themselves and others.

            The changes I made to my paragraphs were done by picking the main points of each paragraphs, adding a topic sentence, and then using some transitions to make them flow better. I tried to stick to my main point in each paragraph and took out the sentences that did not relate it. This helped me get down to my main point and make the paragraphs more concise. I reread each paragraph and when I chose the main point I was able to come up with a topic sentence to place at the front of each paragraph which the paragraph clear. I believe each of these changes have affected my overall composition by making my ideas more understandable and identifiable.

 

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